sparksol: (Rune)
[personal profile] sparksol
In this episode, Sparksol whiney bbhb.

Warning: If you've had a good day so far, don't read this. If you expect to be having a good time later, don't read this. If you've even just had an average day, save it for later. I hate ruining other people's good feelings, it make me feel terrible.

If you've had a rotten day and it's not looking to get any better, feel free to read it, it is very unlikely to make things any worse.

This whole thing was a lot more clear last night, as I huddled attempting to sleep, being kept wide awake by my rational fears of and for myself. I don't often get nightmares anymore, I find the waking world far more scary than most things in my subconscious. I stayed up thinking out this whole long train of thought, unable to sleep, and now I can't remember it, mostly because I thought it all through and let it out, so I apparently no longer felt a need to keep it in my mind.

I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

My social skills are such that I feel uncomfortable around pretty much anyone, leading me to apparently be cold, aloof, or unfriendly to people. Unintentionally, from my perspective. This leads these other people to either: leaving me alone; treating me similarly unpleasantly, or trying to get to know me better in ways that have worked for most people...which have a very high chance of making me even more uncomfortable and isolated.

For those few who try and give me advice that I should get over myself, get drunk, and get laid - either all at once, or in no particular order, or in that exact order - I have to say that these solutions do not work for me. I have several selves to get over, and while I can sometimes do this, it hasn't helped yet. Getting drunk would not help, being only a temporary "not dealing with it" to my problems. Also, I'm a depressed morose pathetic wretch of a drunk (Yes, even more so than I am when sober!) unless circumstances are perfect. As for getting laid, I'll just say that's a whole other list of problems I won't be going into today.

Jobwise, I've been technically unemployed for six years. This sums up the feeling. Now, I have - at this point - few worthwhile job skills. The ones I have had are somewhat outdated, being mostly computer skills. My main income source comes from computer repairs for people who don't want to take their computer elsewhere. How this keeps me alive is that, since I'm living with my parents again, I have rather low total amounts of money to pay my bills. On the other hand, I could from a certain perspective be considered rich, since I have very little I actually want at this point. Mostly because that which I've wanted has been eroded down over the years.

What I want that costs money, other than being able to live not as a leech that is, include mostly comparatively cheap games at this point. What I'd like otherwise include something like a social life, a significant other (or others, I'm not picky or greedy or probably even sane from a society standpoint)

I'd drop more in, but I waited so long to post this, it's nearly bedtime again. Hope I can sleep this time.
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