Gyarg, Gllang. Ooh, it's Friday the 13th!
Aug. 13th, 2004 07:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sparksolLost a map file for one of my classes, so I get to spend the next one remaking what I did last week, and trying to catch up what I missed this time around...
Also, I've had (for me) an odd scenario build up in my mind. It's the most (read: only) realistic one I've had, by which I mean it's entirely within the known laws of physics and relative probability for it to happen.
Next time I have a required 'practice interview' at ITT, I'm going to ask how long I have to lie and pretend to be like this. I'm going to explain that I'm not a happy, cheerful person who gets along well with others. I'm not a self-starting go-getter, I don't really enjoy what I'm doing, but I have to do something. Yes, there's an attitude problem here, it's that I have an attitude different from what the workforce seems to want, and I'm going to make it a problem until something is done about it. I am not a naturally happy person, I do not get along well with people, and I act resentful of anything, whether or not I actually am. I sleep during daylight hours and am awake and energetic at night. I'm good at several things I don't like doing, and don't get the opportunity to do for pay things I like doing. Am I bitter and resentful about this? Sure. I don't fit in with society well, and I've made the attempt for nearly three decades now, and it's just not working out. Can I change? Sure, but I'm not likely to. I should know, I've tried for years, with and without professional and amateur help. I've looked at the big picture, and saw another one so much bigger that I couldn't see the one you wanted to show me in the first place any more.
Oh, you want to talk about how my attitude isn't helping? Why did people like you give me that attitude in the first place, then? I was smarter and a bit different than most people in school and I was even a social person then. I soon learned that if I didn't hide that I knew the answers more, I'd get beat up for it. I got smacked around and/or kept away from others for it anyway, even when I did hide it, they just didn't have a good reason anymore. Where were the responsible adults then? They were staying out of it, maybe hoping the others, or more probably I, might grow out of it. If I seemed upset, I was sent to guidance counselors to see what was wrong with me (though I never saw the others sent that way...). I was kept with few friends, who were also smarter, but we couldn't figure out why we were disliked. It wasn't jealousy, whatever mom and dad said.
Sent into special programs, GATE classes and the like, where we were encouraged to use our minds for more than information storage. After a while, I noticed that nothing we did there actually helped us out. It just set us apart as different, and what we did there didn't add to our grades or make others even remotely respected. It seems more like what we did and how we did it was just studied by the 'teachers' in charge, but that's neither here nor there.
Okay, so I'm different, and it's been reinforced by life in general, and the people around me in specific. I've tried to do what I can, but it's not working. Want my real hobbies? I read a lot. I play video games. I'd watch anime if I could afford it. I wander the internet. I don't play sports, not so much as bowling. I don't go to parties, I don't drink, I don't have many friends I can just hang out with, because most of them managed to build lives for themselves. Other than that, I eat and sleep, and don't really care for either activity.
What can you do (I'll point at them) to help out? Because I'll tell you, I don't know what to do anymore. At this rate, I'll probably be living on the streets or in the woods or a cave. If I need a different education to do something more suited to me, tell me where the government grants I don't have to pay back are, because I can't afford another loan session like this one. If I could've found the grants on my own, I'd already have them. If I was going to do something violent, I or my works would already have been on the news. Now normally, I'm a listener-type-person, which is why I've been so quiet and reserved in the past visits, but I can't take this anymore, you people with the business suits staring at me all bug-eyed right in the face all the time, trying to get me to act like I do around friends. I don't know you! You're not my friend; why am I supposed to act as though you are for the duration of the interview? IS this how it's supposed to go for my whole life? Seriously? Should I tell you how many people I actually get to be myself when I'm around them? I can count them on the fingernails of one ear, that's how many. My best friends have their own difficulties, I'm not adding my problems to theirs. I've got a self-defeating attitude, two extra personalities I built myself, tens of thousands dollars debt, eyebrow dandruff, a thing about making people feel better, a habit of spontaneous back-massage I have to curtail around everyone except family since my friends are uncomfortable with it, I hate humanity and individuals on a case-by-case basis, and have broken down mentally so many times I'm held together with mental duct-tape. Suicide is not an option because I don't have anybody I hate enough to send my rotting corpse to, and can't afford the funeral I'd prefer to have - which would result with no corpse or even ashes to deal with at all.
No, I'm not singling you out with this. Assuming you get over this anytime soon, I'll probably have another interview soon, with actual employers wondering if I'm worth hiring. I plan to give them the same spiel you just got. Most of the time I'm a quiet person who tries to avoid notice anyway, why should I change that for an interview? Why lie to get myself hired for perceived skills when I could be hired for my actual strengths?
So, what do you suggest? If you know jobs I'm better suited to, tell me about them. If you just want me to get out, I'm fine with that too. I've got no job or responsibilities right now, so I've got all day.
That's what I want to do. Not too simple, not sweet, not even fun. But sometimes, things have to be done.
Also, I've had (for me) an odd scenario build up in my mind. It's the most (read: only) realistic one I've had, by which I mean it's entirely within the known laws of physics and relative probability for it to happen.
Next time I have a required 'practice interview' at ITT, I'm going to ask how long I have to lie and pretend to be like this. I'm going to explain that I'm not a happy, cheerful person who gets along well with others. I'm not a self-starting go-getter, I don't really enjoy what I'm doing, but I have to do something. Yes, there's an attitude problem here, it's that I have an attitude different from what the workforce seems to want, and I'm going to make it a problem until something is done about it. I am not a naturally happy person, I do not get along well with people, and I act resentful of anything, whether or not I actually am. I sleep during daylight hours and am awake and energetic at night. I'm good at several things I don't like doing, and don't get the opportunity to do for pay things I like doing. Am I bitter and resentful about this? Sure. I don't fit in with society well, and I've made the attempt for nearly three decades now, and it's just not working out. Can I change? Sure, but I'm not likely to. I should know, I've tried for years, with and without professional and amateur help. I've looked at the big picture, and saw another one so much bigger that I couldn't see the one you wanted to show me in the first place any more.
Oh, you want to talk about how my attitude isn't helping? Why did people like you give me that attitude in the first place, then? I was smarter and a bit different than most people in school and I was even a social person then. I soon learned that if I didn't hide that I knew the answers more, I'd get beat up for it. I got smacked around and/or kept away from others for it anyway, even when I did hide it, they just didn't have a good reason anymore. Where were the responsible adults then? They were staying out of it, maybe hoping the others, or more probably I, might grow out of it. If I seemed upset, I was sent to guidance counselors to see what was wrong with me (though I never saw the others sent that way...). I was kept with few friends, who were also smarter, but we couldn't figure out why we were disliked. It wasn't jealousy, whatever mom and dad said.
Sent into special programs, GATE classes and the like, where we were encouraged to use our minds for more than information storage. After a while, I noticed that nothing we did there actually helped us out. It just set us apart as different, and what we did there didn't add to our grades or make others even remotely respected. It seems more like what we did and how we did it was just studied by the 'teachers' in charge, but that's neither here nor there.
Okay, so I'm different, and it's been reinforced by life in general, and the people around me in specific. I've tried to do what I can, but it's not working. Want my real hobbies? I read a lot. I play video games. I'd watch anime if I could afford it. I wander the internet. I don't play sports, not so much as bowling. I don't go to parties, I don't drink, I don't have many friends I can just hang out with, because most of them managed to build lives for themselves. Other than that, I eat and sleep, and don't really care for either activity.
What can you do (I'll point at them) to help out? Because I'll tell you, I don't know what to do anymore. At this rate, I'll probably be living on the streets or in the woods or a cave. If I need a different education to do something more suited to me, tell me where the government grants I don't have to pay back are, because I can't afford another loan session like this one. If I could've found the grants on my own, I'd already have them. If I was going to do something violent, I or my works would already have been on the news. Now normally, I'm a listener-type-person, which is why I've been so quiet and reserved in the past visits, but I can't take this anymore, you people with the business suits staring at me all bug-eyed right in the face all the time, trying to get me to act like I do around friends. I don't know you! You're not my friend; why am I supposed to act as though you are for the duration of the interview? IS this how it's supposed to go for my whole life? Seriously? Should I tell you how many people I actually get to be myself when I'm around them? I can count them on the fingernails of one ear, that's how many. My best friends have their own difficulties, I'm not adding my problems to theirs. I've got a self-defeating attitude, two extra personalities I built myself, tens of thousands dollars debt, eyebrow dandruff, a thing about making people feel better, a habit of spontaneous back-massage I have to curtail around everyone except family since my friends are uncomfortable with it, I hate humanity and individuals on a case-by-case basis, and have broken down mentally so many times I'm held together with mental duct-tape. Suicide is not an option because I don't have anybody I hate enough to send my rotting corpse to, and can't afford the funeral I'd prefer to have - which would result with no corpse or even ashes to deal with at all.
No, I'm not singling you out with this. Assuming you get over this anytime soon, I'll probably have another interview soon, with actual employers wondering if I'm worth hiring. I plan to give them the same spiel you just got. Most of the time I'm a quiet person who tries to avoid notice anyway, why should I change that for an interview? Why lie to get myself hired for perceived skills when I could be hired for my actual strengths?
So, what do you suggest? If you know jobs I'm better suited to, tell me about them. If you just want me to get out, I'm fine with that too. I've got no job or responsibilities right now, so I've got all day.
That's what I want to do. Not too simple, not sweet, not even fun. But sometimes, things have to be done.
