sparksol | ...*sigh*

I waited to write this one, made sure the gnawing burning pain faded before I decided anything to write. I'd hate to be someone who only wrote bad things in an LJ, and I'm already in too much danger of that.

Y'know, it's one thing to generally feel incompetant or worthless and try to better yourself. It's another to be told you're essentially in the running for winning one of the aforementioned titles.

I've had this job two and a half weeks, and I thought I'd been doing pretty good, or at least passable work. Today I was told that I'd been slowign everything else down and was putting the project I was on well behind schedule, and to shape up or I'd be out within a couple weeks.

I had no idea. Sure, I had a bit of trouble adjusting to start, but I thought I was doing better. I don't have much choice, but to do better, I'll have to go redline, and I can't keep that kind of thing up for too long. Tomorrow, I'll tell them I'll give it my best, and to let me directly know how I'm proceeding. If, after a week, I've shown no improvement (or, Uhndrash forbid, I've shown even worse performance) then I'll bow out and apologize for wasting their time. I'd rather quit after three weeks than get fired after a month.

I just don't get it. Near top of my class at ITT (not that the education was great, but still...) but get pointed at as a slacker on the actual job. Now I'll admit, I'm lazy, but I get the job done. I guess (hope) they were expecting top-grade performance instead of a newcomer to the field, and maybe they really need the best for this apparently fairly new company, but I don't know what else I can do.

*Sigh* This will sound angsty, but I already know I don't fit well with most of modern society. I didn't need more reminders.

...I'm going to escape for a while or I might not have it in me to move in the morning.