(no subject)

[sparksol]

I am one who has given up. My family is in poor shape financially, and
extended relatives seem to be in poor health. My surviving grandfather
has little of his mind left. My other (two) grandfathers died within a
year of each other (and my family history is slightly complicated, but
nothing surprising.) My grandmother is likely to start losing bits
(starting with the toes, I understand) to what was not-exactly described to
me as diabetes. My dad has had a bad back for more than 15 years, and
my mom's too-frequent migrane headaches could floor cattle, to judge by
the amount of medication and/or bed rest required.

I seem (what should be disturbingly) unattached to all this. I had to
restrain myself from making jokes at my grandfathers' funerals, but
still couldn't stop giggling sometimes.

In my personal life, I am in what I see as a dead-end job (it isn't, I
just don't want to do it for life) with over $20k in schooling debts
thanks to training for it. I have other courses I could take that I'd be
good at, but it'd cost as much if not more. To add insult to injury, I
know myself well enough to know that even if I take these paths, I will
not be happy doing these things. It would be hard to think of something
I could do for a living that I would enjoy doing - that would make me
happy. At best - and I mean very best - I would be content for a
temporary period of time. (Said time would be variable from a week to three
years. More certainty not possible with current equipment.)

My mind is split on so many different things...religion has it's
excellent points, but people misuse it and don't act differently. It's not
that I have no faith in god(/goddess/other/deity of choice), it's that I
have no faith in people as a whole. I can see with one part of my mind,
how certain religions can hold true - entirely. It is balanced by
another part that sees no religion as possible, with full
'this-life-is-all-there-is' certainty of uselessness of everything, given the certainty of nothing left over. Still another part sees all the nigh-infinite possibilities of the imagination, given form in stories of every media, from plays and puppets to books and games and movies and webcomics and even the occasional rare fanfiction.

But, for the most part, I have given up hope. I spend my most of my time in a state past depressed, reached a calm beyond it. I don't really feel much very often, though I do feel. I even laugh and appear to act like a normal person once in a while.


Anyway, the last month and a half, I've been working things out. I need to do that every so often, like defragging a hard drive. Things came suddenly with a breakthrough today when I lost my job. I was told about five minutes before I left for the day anyway.
Bad side: No job. No income. Health benefits drop at the end of the month.
Good side: Fewer immediate deadline in near future. A little free time. A couple thousand in the bank to tide me over. I've just payed the first six months of World of Warcraft, so I can spend my time in unreality if I so choose, though that would be choosing poorly in the long run. Health benefits until the end of the month, and free time to actually make use of it. Unemployment if needed (and I probably will, given how long it took last time.)

I feel kinda bad I missed the last Memeday, but I didn't really have time to gather memes anyway.
I think that after this, I won't talk so much about my life (as much as I have been, anyway) unless something I feel important happens. And there's not much I feel is important. I'm a pretty unfeeling person.

Oh, I may actually buy a lottery ticket or two, too.


Please, no advice. Unless you know about the perfect job for me, or will share with me winning lottery numbers, or know about a gate, portal, magic rift, etc. out of reality that don't involve dying first.
And I'm entirely serious about that. Today is not joke day for me.

...tomorrow will be fine, however. Just wait until at least midnight pacific time, okay? Four, maybe five hours from this post minimum.

Comments

[guido-jacobs.livejournal.com]

With so many debts...and this is only as a last resort, mind you...but bankrupcy might be applicable...?

Sorry, I don't know of any portals, rifts, ect. out of reality.

[alfador-fox.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

(can't think of much else to say)